PMQs review: Boris Johnson scores an F in first major test after holidays against Sir Keir Starmer

There’s always a febrile atmosphere when the kids go back to school. And you know it’s going to be an exciting term when the school master has to clip the head boy’s ear on day one.

“Order! I think there are questions being asked…it would be helpful to those watching to know the answers,” head teacher Lindsay Hoyle warned Boris Johnson.

The head boy, who had been squaring up to his rival, the school prefect Keir Starmer, answered back: “Mr Speaker, I think it would be helpful to all those who are watching to know…”

But Hoyle was having none of Johnson’s cheek: “I think I will make the decisions today...”

In their first test after the summer holidays, it was clear that Starmer had been swotting up on his PMQs homework while Johnson hoped to wing it.

Today also marked Starmer’s birthday. But Johnson failed to give him the birthday bumps.

Instead, the Prime Minister got a grilling on his first day back in the playground.

Starmer’s first blow was over the exam "fiasco", coolly asking Johnson: "So a straight answer to a straight question please Prime Minister: when did the Prime Minister first know that there was a problem with the algorithm?"

Johnson avoided the question, stating: “We did institute a change, we did act.”

Sir Keir Starmer
PA

He accused Starmer of "undermining confidence" and “spreading doubts” about the return to school. Johnson pressed him to admit that school was safe to go back to.

“Come on,” Johnson goaded him.

Buoyed by cheers from his classmates, Starmer smiled and replied: “The Prime Minister is just tin eared and making it up as he goes along".

He added: "He's fooling nobody, even his own MPs have run out of patience.”

Starmer has a reason to smile after a recent poll put Labour level pegging with the Conservatives for the first time in 13 months.

And just as Johnson was trying to shake off Starmer’s attacks, the Government announced yet another U-turn.

With growing discontent from his own his own benches, increasing criticism from Tory-friendly newspapers and a string of Government U-turns, Johnson needed to hit back.

And he did not hold back; alluding to Starmer's time as Shadow Brexit Secretary under Jeremy Corbyn, he accused the Labour leader of supporting an “IRA-condoning politician who wanted to get out of Nato”.

A visibly angry Starmer brandished his finger at Johnson, saying: “The Prime Minister said something about the IRA and I want him to take it back. I worked in Northern Ireland for five years with the police services of Northern Ireland bringing peace…”

A “very concerned” Headmaster Hoyle intervened, asking Johnson if wanted to withdraw his allegation.

Boris Johnson
PA

Johnson replied: “I listened to the protestations of the right honourable gentleman and think they have would have been more in order throughout the long years in which he supported a leader of the Labour Party (Jeremy Corbyn)..."

But headmaster Hoyle signalled for Johnson to sit, before Starmer rained down a series of blows: “When the Prime Minister has worked with the security and intelligence forces prosecuting criminals and terrorists he can lecture me.

“I asked him to do the decent thing. But doing the decent thing and this Prime Minister don’t go together.”

Unrelenting, Starmer told Johnson it had been a “wasted summer” and the Government had “lurched from crisis to crisis, U-turn to U-turn”.

Staring down Johnson, he added: “That serial incompetence is holding Britain back. Will the Prime Minister take responsibility and finally get a grip?”

Lacking ammunition, Johnson reverted to previous criticisms he’d fired against Starmer including calling him “Captain Hindsight” and demanding he say that schools are safe.

“I’ve said it so many times,” Starmer said with a note of exasperation.

“School is safe. My own children have been in school throughout. There’s no issue on this. The Prime Minister is seeking to divide.”

For his last strike, Starmer spoke of the “hurt” the Bereaved Families for Justice group felt after the Prime Minister cancelled a meeting with them.

Finally, Johnson bit back with equal might, explaining that he cancelled the meeting because of an ongoing legal challenge by the families against the Government.

In his last gasp, Johnson added: "It's absolutely typical of him that he should frame it in that way...

“Of course I would be very happy to meet the families of the bereaved and sympathise deeply with all those who have lost loved ones throughout this pandemic and we all feel their pain and their grief.”

Going back to school is never easy.

With few of his classmates to cheer him on in a socially distanced chamber, Johnson scored an F in his first major test after the holidays.

At least he has a chance to re-sit next week.